top notch respect…with a Black Panther fist.
top notch respect…with a Black Panther fist.
Than Bear vs. Shark
Bear Vs. Shark
I just want to be Redman.
Hates Mondays….but lasagna for dinner.
AUTHOR NOTES: Look, I know its been a while, but I never gave this series a proper send off. And probably no one is going to read this one cause this website is just a bowling alley of misfits after 11pm. After a night of drinking alone in my basement while watching Modern Family I knew I was time. i’m “crunk” lets do this.
We all know Dan for his charm, superpowers, and life in the fast lane. He has become internationally famous for his accomplishments. Defeating God in Arm wrestling and saving the lives of his friends and family. BUT, there is one mountain in life Dan has yet to bench press….raise a family of his own.
He was 5,933 years old, which is an appropriate age to settle down for his immortal species. (Holy shit these lime-less Corona’s are kicking in) To see if this was the right step to take in his life, Dan went to go see the Oracle. The all knowing all being of everything that is Dan’s species. He asked “Oh Oracle, am I ready to offer my love and bring life into this primitive planet, Earth?” The Oracle responded with a glistening glow represented by pride, respect, and glory. “FUCKING NO” he said. “YOU COULDN’T FATHER A CAN OF CORN”
Dan took this as an insult. “You will not be able to stop me. I am a free man with a lifetime supply of gennesse. My seed will be fertile.” “DAN” the Oracle interrupted, “I FORBID YOU TO FUCK ANYTHING WITH A BABY OVEN. IF YOU DISOBEY, THERE WILL BE A WAR WAGED ON YOU AND THE ONES YOU LOVE MOST ON YOUR STUPID PLANET”. the message was clear.
Dan took a walk around the world to ease his troubled mind. he left his body laying somewhere in the sands of time. As he watched the world float to the darkside of the moon, he knew there was nothing he could do……yeeaAaaA
Then Dan stood up and realized no one could tell him what to do or fuck. He gathered his friends at the grim west circle and laid down the business. His friends, who owe Dan their lives by this point, couldn’t deny him, they knew 5000+ years of semen in your testicles is nothing to joke about….dan needed to nut at the expense of human lives. Dan realized the only way the war would begin is if he had sex. So he went to “The Novelty lounge” on a Tuesday night because thats “strippers with bullet scars” night. Those ho’s are DTF. He finds a hot piece of trim named Jehovah (starts with an “I”) and gives her the business.
Now, you wouldn’t believe this when I told you, but when Dan nutted in that wet driveway of a vagina….it was something that could win you the noble peace prize. Its as if her body replaced her blood for Dan’s semen. It was gross. There was no way she was not pregnant. It wasn’t a question of if there was a baby…it was a question of how many babies there will be. The primitive mortal, Jehovah, will obviously not survive the child birth(s).
The Oracle quickly heard about this and started to prepare for war. On the night of conception, the Oracle took Dan’s entire species to planet earth which took about, oh I don’t know, like 20 mins(?) and the slaughter began. The war was pretty gay at first. It was just the Oracle quoting the Joker from the dark knight and everyone getting pissed at him….thats when the Oracle broke out the Borat impressions. After he said “MY WIFEEE” 9 times, lots of innocent died.
There isn’t much difference between Oneonta pre or post war. Just more blood and ectoplasm……and cum. Dan looked around the battlefield that was once his stomping ground. Friends dead. The only living specimen he could see was him….the Oracle.
”ITS JUST ME AND YOU ORACLE” dan screamed. “DAN” Oracle screamed, “WHY DO YOU THINK THEY CALL THIS PLACE THE DIRTY O?”…….”I AM THE DIRTY O” It didn’t make sense to Dan until that moment….college isn’t real, the Oracle was Oneonta all along.
That may have been the biggest mindfuck Dan has ever encountered. ”UGH WHAT DO I DO NOW?!?!” he helplessly shouted. “You fight Daniel”. Dan, confused, looked up and saw the mother of his 900+ unborn children. “JEHOVAH” he said. “I DONT BELIEVE IT, YOU’RE AN ANGEL.” “Thats right Daniel. A pregnant Angel.”
Dan asked her for guidence. “I need help, I can’t beat the Oracle by myself, Jehovah.”
Jehovah said “WELL WHY DIDNT YA JUST SAY SO YA DERP” and began to give birth (and shit out) an entire army of little Dan rickenbacks. Jehovah’s entire body exploded and was no more. I believe the exact number was 997 babys, who quickly grew into super soldiers to aid their father and help fight the Oracle. The fight was quick and painless for the Oracle….he died instantly, a noble Rickenback kill. Jehovah would be proud of her men. After Oracle died, Oneonta was restored to its rightful standards.
After the war ended, Dan’s kids all got hit by an OPT bus. All 997 of them died. Dan said “Fuck” then walked to Main Street. He went to the jug where he saw Matt. “oh shit you’re still alive Matt?” confused dan said. “yea why?” Matt replied. “There was just a fucking war that killed everyone we ever knew from this town, Matt”. “Oh…bro, thats mad shot” Matt said as he sipped his Appletini. “yea man” Dan said.
They both drank a little….then farted in some egg nog.
RIP Nick Connor
PS: is it “OTP” bus?